…Kung fu school that is…

I went to the kung fu school that I had been looking at and it was oh so awesome. So nice to go back to a real martial arts school rather than the boring shit I had been taking. Don’t get me wrong, the instructor was very nice and extremely knowledgeable, but… it was missing something. I didn’t feel that I couldn’t wait to go to the class. I felt it was a chore…

Anyway… I digress… so I took the kung fu class tonight, but tomorrow night I am trying the Tai Chi class. That is really cool and it’s gonna be a tough to pick between the two but, it is exciting.

As I was driving home from the class, for the first time in a really long time, my head was clear. I felt unburdened and there was a clarity that seemed like an old friend visiting after a long time. That’s what the karate classes were missing…

More tomorrow…

Well… I think I have learned something. I’ll get back to that in a minute…

First, let me describe what I thought my night would be like. I thought that I would go to Mauricio’s friend’s house and that I would meet some cool people. Then I thought that we would go to 4th st for a little while where I would be able to walk confidently among people that I dont know, then go to the Adult Swim party.

Now, I shall describe how the night actually went. I picked up Mauricio and his roomate and we went to Mauricio’s friend’s house. They all hung out in in kitched while I sat in the living room and pretended to read a magazine to hide the fact that I felt totally left out. Finally, when everyone was ready to go, we went to Fado’s on 4th st. Again, I had one drink and starred into space. I walked around and stayed with the group for a little bit… then it became too much for me. It was very crowded and I couldn’t hear a damn thing anyone was saying, so I went outside. I went next door to the coffee place to get a coffee and I hung out outside by myself for about an hour to an hour and a half. I then went back inside to try and find them… I couldn’t.

At this point, I went back to my car in the garage b/c I was cold. Feeling down on myself, I thought a little bit (back to that in a second)… but then Mauricio called and said that I was outside Fado and that I could meet him there… so duh, I drove there… called him and he said that he was going to stay there. I asked him if he could get home ok if I left… he said yeah, so I did.

Now, back to what I was thinking. I put myself into this situation and I set myself up to let myself down everytime I make plans to go out. This happens everytime. I see it with such clarity now. I force myself into a situation that I never feel comfortable in b/c I think that that is what I should be doing. But, now that I can see that, I wont be doing it anymore.

The problem is this: I am not good at meeting new people and the more I force myself to do it, the more I will let myself down and feel bad about it. This is the 3rd or 4th time that I have stuck my hand in the fire and now finally I can learn from it.

But this time is different. I am not miserable. I am a little down on mysef, but I have learned something. I have recognized that this method of “meeting people” is not for me and that I need to stop doing this to myself. If I don’t feel comfortable, how the fuck am I supposed to show other people that I am approachable?? I will have to try other things b/c I cannot keep putting myself into this position.

Everytime I make plans to go out, I always am optimistic that the night will go well and that I will meet at least one new person, but it NEVER happens b/c we go to a bar where you can’t hear yourself think let alone hear another person talk (thats providing you can actually talk to people, which at this point I am not really able to do… I am working on it… fyi – moving to a new city + not being very social = bad).

This weekend has really fucking blew in the social “hang out with friends” area. I am looking forward to putting these unpleasant days behind me and letting go of them. I am learning more and more that I am all I have here. I have no one here for me but me and I am the only one that help me. If I have to be alone for however long I am here so be it. I would rather be alone than go through this shit of trying to meet people when I am seeing more and more that I don’t have any desire to.

Note to self:

If all of your friends speak a language that you don’t… as much as you like them, you shouldn’t go out with them as they will revert to their language… which is kinda really fucking boring.

I just smiled. For the first time in weeks I smiled and I felt it. I felt happy. It was after I read these two things:

1) Your only real friend is you. Your only real enemy is you. You are an enemy to yourself to the degree you limit your Self. You are a friend to yourself to the degree that you remove limits from yourself.
2) Every place and every situation in life presents an opportunity for growth. The best place to grow is right where you are. The best time is now.

That made me smile. I realized for a second, that this misery that I have been feeling everyday is mine and mine alone. I am the one who is doing it….

More later…

Sunset 5

It looks as if I am settling back into my happy state of solitude. No matter how old I get. No matter how much I think I have gotten past this, it always comes back to the same thing. I cannot stand to be alone all the time, yet still, I cannot accept the fact that people would want to be in my presence. Why does this continue to plague me? Or.. . more specifically, why do I continue to let it plague me??

I was talking to my father on the phone today and he asked “why don’t you go out and meet some people??” I told him “maybe”. What a bullshit answer. I guess I didn’t feel like getting into a whole discussion about my horrible self image on the phone, but it’s funny that it came up today becuase yesterday morning I was listening to the Howard Stern show waiting for 630am to go into the gym and they were having a discussion about why he doesn’t talk to girls in bars.

I may as well have written the words for him.

He said that he doesn’t talk to girls in bars becuase he’s got a horrible self image, doesn’t want to bother anyone, and can’t fathom why anyone would want to have anything to do with him. It was like someone printed my thoughts onto paper and he was reading them over the radio.

Man… if we could take all the people that felt this way, myself included and have some kind of place for them to go … like a “People with Low Self Esteem” bar or something that would be great. But then again… no one would probably go… so scratch that.

Getting away from the despressing, I went to Borders today to pick up the South Beach diet book. A friend of mine from work wants to do it and I said I would do it with him. I could stand lose a few… ok… more than a few… I have been eating like a fucking fat bastard lately so it will be good for me to get back to eating well.

The other book that I bought is called “Happiness is Free – And it’s closer than you think”. I know, I know. Happiness cannot be obtained from a book… but… I guess I need something… some guidance short of a man in a chair and me on a couch.

I have been feeling better lately. I’m not like bubbly or anything, but I am feeling a little bit better about myself. I guess enough to not think that I am a total loser that no one will ever like ever. I was driving around today and I was listening to my mp3 player and this song “Safe Place” came on from Staind. I hadn’t heard it in a while, but, after listening to it, I could identify with it… well except for the being “on the road” part. Anyway… here…

Another day Inside my world
I’m married to you and this road.
A road that never lets me sleep .
So theres no way to escape the demons I am forced to keep.

And then I find you here
Through your eyes
Everything’s clear
And I’m home
Inside your arms,
But I’m alone for now.

I mean the best with what I say.
It doesn’t always sound that way.
I never learned to work things out cause
In my family all we ever seem to do is shout.

But then I find you here
Through your eyes, everythings clear
And I’m home inside your arms, but I’m alone for now.

And when I try to sleep-
the drugs I take
are killing me – I think of you
to ease my pain –
but you’re so far-
Now it’s time to say goodbye.
I love you baby
please don’t cry –
’cause then I’ll find you here –
Through your eyes everythings clear –
and I’m home inside your arms – but I’m alone for now.

But then I find you here
Through your eyes,
everythings clear
And I’m home
inside your arms,
but I’m alone for now.

I do feel like I am alone. I mean physically, I am. And somehow that creeps its way into my head and manifests itself as mental lonliness even though the people that I love are really just a phone call away. A hug though, would be nice, but maybe for now, I am asking too much.

Well… another week in my awesome life is about to kick off.. will YOU be there? Well, you probably won’t be, but I will. Am I thrilled about that… I could go either way. This is how it has been for the past few weeks now. I am indifferent. I don’t care. It doesn’t matter to me. I am numb….

Is this my curse? Will emptiness and unhappiness forever follow me wherever I go in whatever I do? I looked to see what google has to say about what emptiness means and here is one of the definitions:

The Sanskrit word is Sunya. One of the key concepts in Buddhism. Emptiness is an abstract idea representing impermanence, unreality, instability, transience and relativity in the nature of all existence. The doctrine states that all phenomena and the ego have no reality, but are composed of a certain number of Skandhas or elements, which disintegrate. The doctrine also states that everything is unstable, possessing no self-essence or self-nature, i.e., its own existence dependent or caused by the conditions of others’ existence. Emptiness is not nothing, but it is the condition of existence of everything. It permeates all phenomena making possible their evolution.

Interestng huh? So… according to this, emptiness is a good thing. Maybe it is. Maybe I will evolve… but I think there is something deeper going on here. What part of me, and more importantly WHY is there a part of me that feels that it is not right for me to be happy… that it is not right for me to smile? What is wrong with me and what happened to me to make me have this problem? Would I still have this problem if I had never left NY or has moving brought this to light?

Nothing matters. Nothing is permanent. Things live and die and time never stops. In the grand sceme of things, we are nothing. Think about that one for a while.

Nice moment I was having last night… I guess I feel a little better today… not much… but I guess a little.

This is not good…

I can feel myself slipping back into the lonley depressivness that I had around the time I turned 20. I go to work… come home… go to karate… come home… there is no one for me here. I am alone here. Not to say that I cannot handle being alone… I just dont like it. It sucks coming home to an empty apartment every night with no one to laugh with or talk to.

I don’t even want to go out and try to meet people. I can’t bring myself to believe that people would want to meet me… kinda works against you being in a new city and all. I havent been on a date since before I was with Sara… and even she is talking to me less and less.

So what do I do? I have lots of alone activities… I work… I go to the gym… I go to karate… I watch tv… I cook dinner… all alone. What’s the point? What’s the point of dressing nice or shaving or having a nice apartment or anything like that? No ones looking… no one’s paying attention. There is no one to share it with. This all kinda means nothing at the moment while it’s just for me.

I try to keep myself from being this way… from getting upset every night over the people and things that I miss terribly. Everything here has an undertone of sadness. I don’t know what to do, but if I can’t stop myself from feeling this way… I just dont know.

I am going to go to sleep… maybe in my dreams I can find the people and things that I miss and forget my sadness until my alarm goes off tomorrow morning and I have to return to this.

Whoever you are… I hope that you are doing better than I am… I hope that when you see the ones you love, you tell them that you love them and how much you care about them and that you would do anything for them because one day, you won’t see them everyday anymore and … well you get the picture…

See ya…