White Flag

I sort of give up.

It’s been 4 weeks of doing Starting Strength + Intervals while paying really close attention to what I am eating.

I don’t really see much difference. The scale says that I am down about 2-3 pounds depending on the day/time, but my BF % is still between 18 and 19.

I have been able to steadily increase the weights on my lifts, so I guess I have made progress there.

If you are one of my 3 readers or know me, you know that I, historically have a very hard time dropping weight. I can’t even being to describe the amount of jealousy I feel when someone new starts at the gym, goes paleo, works out, and is shredded in a month. It seriously makes me want to put my fist through a wall. I have been at this for YEARS and I can’t even make a freakin’ dent.

After just years and years and years of struggling with this; after reading all of the information I can get my hands on from blogs, books, articles, etc, you’d think I knew it all. Apparently, I know nothing or at least not enough to make anything really substantial happen.

If you asked me, I’d say the 2 biggest contributing factors to my lack of weight loss probably are my high levels of stress (which I am trying my hardest to manage) and the difficult sleep pattern that having a small child yields. I wouldn’t be surprised if my cortisol levels were very high.

Anyway… I say that I “sort of” give up. I am at the point where I pretty much want to say “screw it all”, not work out AT ALL and eat whatever the hell I want. But, I won’t. What I mean by that is, I am done trying to figure out what to do. Whatever I have thought of to do isn’t working for me. Dave has some ideas for me which seemed to work during the last challenge that we did, so I will put my blind trust in that and do whatever he tells me to do for however long I have to do it.

I will continue to work out because it relieves stress and is a source of enjoyment for me. I think at this point though, I am putting my expectations of results into a nice little box and locking it away.

I have explained this before, but it’s not worth going into one more time. My motivation isn’t vanity. I don’t care about having the best body, being the strongest, or the fastest. All I want… all I have ever wanted is to be able to go places in the summer that require no shirts and not feel absolutely horrible about it. I haven’t been in a pool in a really long time and I am pretty sure that I actively avoid situations where people will see my body. Who in the hell doesn’t love being in a pool?! Well, it seems, in adult life, your price to get in the pool is either 1) a body that you are mentally proud of, no matter how it looks or 2) a body that looks pretty good even if you don’t think it’s awesome. I have neither of those things going for me. There is no way in HELL that I am going to any function with my CrossFit friends that requires skimpy clothing. I love them all, but I am too self conscious to be there. Sad? Yes. Reality? Yup.

Really, all I am looking for is a body that I am not totally self conscious about. Will I ever get that? No idea, but for now, I don’t have the energy to care.

I wish that we didn’t live in a society that put so much stress on physical appearance, and I my logical brain, I am pretty sure that my friends who are really my friends don’t care and wouldn’t say anything to me to make me feel bad about it, but personally, I just can’t do it.

Maybe some day, some thing will work and I will be able to enjoy being outside or in the gym not completely covered up all of the time.

I am not holding my breath, though.

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