Firstly, let me say that I am SO happy to be home. After being away for roughly 14 out of the last 21 days, I am really happy. It’s so good to see Victoria and not have her just be a voice on the phone. It’s also awesome to eat real food again. If there’s one thing (other than just being away) that I hate about being away, especially when I’m just in a hotel off the interstate, is that food choices are limited. In most cases, I can’t find the stuff that I normally eat.
I think I did OK on this trip. Not awesome, not horrible. I think I could have made some better choices, though. At any rate, I used to use business trips as an excuse to eat whatever I wanted to and file it under “I’m on business, it’s OK”. Well, it’s not and I am happy to say I did MUCH better on this trip than previous.
Speaking of food… between yesterday and today I have pretty much restocked the house. I went to Costco today (rant to follow) and bought steaks, chicken, shrimp, and tilapia. Needless to say, when I got home, I had to empty the freezer and repack. Already in the freezer was a whole chicken and 2/3 of a pork loin. At least I won’t have to buy that stuff for a while.
Now… Costco. I have written Costco rants in the past and what I want to say isn’t so much a “rant” but more like, well, some “pro-tips” for you to keep in mind to avoid being maimed by me the next time we might inhabit that piece of Earth known as Costco at the same time.
Likely-to-get-you-maimed Behavior #1 – Parking lot meandering
Let’s start out on the parking lot. I am looking for a parking spot. Maybe you were lucky and just found one. Maybe you have successfully completed a tour through Costco and are taking your years supply of grape juice back to your car. You decide that you now own the street in the parking lot and decide to take the longest possible path from one side of the road to the other.
Solution
Stop walking in the middle of the damn street, you freakin’ moron. How’s this for an idea. Turn your fat ass 90 degrees and walk across the street in a “straight-across” manner. Stop taking hypotenuse of an obtuse triangle path and just walk straight across. If you do this, I will be fine with letting you cross in front of my car. If you decide you’d like to meander and slowly “drift” across the street, well, you are making me want to run you over, back up, and do it again, just to be sure that you do not propagate your genes.
Likely-to-get-you-maimed Behavior #2 – Dumbfounded wandering
Are you not sure what is in this aisle? How about in this particular freezer case? Are you just simply dumbfounded by the sheer size and breadth of the Costco warehouse? Do you like to be in the way constantly?
Solution
Get the hell out of the way. If you are not sure what is in a case or down an aisle try, for the love of god, TRY to reduce your profile so that people don’t have to wait behind you while you try and determine which 6 month supply of chicken nuggets to buy. When I say “excuse me” what I am really saying is “get the fuck out of way you fucking idiot”. FYI…
Likely-to-get-you-maimed Behavior #3 – Family outings @ Costco
Do you have a large family? Are you blessed with many children and 4 generations under one roof or all in the same geographical area? Well great! I am very happy for you as you are blessed. You apparently love being with them so much that you bring every single last member of the family WITH YOU when you come to Costco.
Solution
Use, perhaps one of the older members in your family to watch members of the same age or younger AT YOUR DAMN HOUSE. Yes, that’s right. You do not need every member of your stupid family present to purchase item’s at Costco. I am considering asking the Costco management to impose and “parties of 3 or less” rule. Two parents and one kid. That’s it. When I see you and your whole brood of failure meandering retardedly (see #1) around the warehouse floor, I want to commit man/woman/child slaughter with my cart.
Likely-to-get-you-maimed Behavior #4 – You are surprised that you are required to present your membership card
You have found a parking spot. You have meandered retardedly throughout the store, now, it’s time to take your 3 year supply of Cheetos (it’s only gonna last YOU one month, though) home to your obese children. You pick one of the 15 lines and you wait. You text on your phone, you look around, you contemplate your existence… you annoy me. Finally, you get to the front of the line and the cashier asks you for your membership card. You are dumbfounded.
Solution
Have your mother-fucking card ready you stupid asshole. How many times have you been here? Didn’t you have to present your card to get in? What happened to it? Is your purse/wallet a black hole? If so, please throw yourself in. Again, it would be best for all of us if you did not propagate your genes forward. If you are not up for killing yourself, well then at least have your damn card ready next time.
Likely-to-get-you-maimed Behavior #5 – You are surprised that you need to present receipt upon exit
You have to wait on line to get into Costco, you have to wait for people moving around the store, you have to wait to pay, AND you have to wait to get out. You are, once again, shocked to find out that you need to present your receipt to the nice Costco people so they can work their hi-lighter magic.
Solution
Have your receipt ready. You JUST paid. You JUST received a receipt. Here’s a pro-tip. Don’t put your stupid receipt away! We already know that your wallet/purse is a black hole. Let’s learn from our mistakes and NOT put that thing on our wallet/purse. If I see you digging around for your receipt while the nice Costco people wait on you, I might have to hurt/maim you.