… has my confidence gone?? Oh where, oh where can it be??

I am sure as fuck that it aint here.

So, I went to get an apple pancake this morning from the Original Pancake house down the street. As I was waiting to put my order in, I saw a pretty cute waitress walking around and thought to myself (never really thinking that it would happen), “if she is my waitress, I’ll leave her my number on the check”… and then the following thought pattern ensued:

1) She will not call, so why bother. Most likely she will look at the check and say something like “ugh” or “eww” or “hahhaa riiiiight”, so why ruin someone’s day.
2) If, in the remote event that she did actually call and want to hang out, where the hell would I take her? I have no initiative, I have no confidence.

Needless to say, left a tip, signed my name, and left.

I have so checked out.

Alright… this week fucking sucked at work. I was busier than I ever want to be … ever. Unreal. Some good things did happen however.
1) I got Nik to carry the pager for an extra 2 days while I am back in NYC for Danielle’s wedding.
2) I got 12/26 off so that I can come home for both Christmas AND New Year’s. The only thing that I have to work out now is switching pager duty with someone else for New Year’s weekend.

I am installing Mac OSX on my desktop as I am writing this… sooo geeky.

I didn’t realize how bad shit was in New Orleans until I saw that shit on TV yesterday. It’s horrible. I didn’t bring anything to work to donate, but I did send $100 to the Red Cross. Apparently, that can take care of a family of 4 for 2 days. This is the first time I have ever donated to help in an event like this and although I can’t be there to help them, I hope that money combined with everyone else who donates can help.

Gas prices are becoming ridiculous. I am thinking about going to Oshmann’s and buying a bicycle. At this rate, it will pay for itself in about a month. I went to class today and the gas was $2.89. On my way back, it was $2.99. It went up $0.10 in an hour?!?!?! Holy fuck…

I should be ready next week to test for my blue sash in T’ai Chi. I hve the sword form pretty much down to where I don’t have to think about it anymore. In class today, we did 24, then sword, then some dead animal meditations… crane and deer. They are kinda rough and we didn’t even do that many.
    

What a long day. I am starting to not like my job. I got in at 8 this morning and didn’t leave until about 730pm. Fucking bullshit…

Here’s the thing. We are all strapped. We all have an assload of work to do… they know we are short, but nothing is done about it. So… we get more and more work and less people to handle it. How our customer sat is so high.. I have no idea. Well, actually I do. The people that I work with are brilliant for the most part. But, that doesn’t mean that we all couldn’t use some help. How the hell am I supposed to better myself as an employee and get education and write applications if I have to work 20 issues and be on the phone for 4 hours a fucking day? I don’t know.

I guess I am just venting. There are some days where I love this job, where people are nice and helpful and just a pleasure to help. Then there are days like today where I wanted to tell the big companies that are calling me to fuck off. You are not the only people on the planet. I had a guy tell me that he needed to talk to someone “more senior”. Nice. Fuck you. Go die.

Anyway… I have basically been a vegetable since I got home. I am shocked that I can even stare at the screen to type this venting blog entry. Thank god for the 3 day weekend. I can’t take this shit no mo’.

That fucking thing (—>) has been on the wall outside my apartment for like 3 days now. Ew… they are on kinda around my complex too, what the fuck.

Work has been very busy. It kinda sucks. I have been working close to 10 hours a day almost every day. I am reaching the point of being burnt out and I just had a vacation close to a month ago.

Anyway… I think things are being planned for my birthday. I can feel it. I hope there are no suprise parties or anything like that. If anything is being planned, I hope it’s just like… a night downtown or something like that. I guess we will see what happens, but on Sept 24, I am going to check back here just to validate that I was right.. they are up to no good.

This weekend was pretty uneventful.
Friday: We won out softball game 18-9. After that, I went over to Jesse’s house and hung out. It was a good time.
Saturday: Went to my class at 230, finished the sword form… finally. Laid around for the rest of the day and did absolutely nothing.
Sunday: Went to Rafael’s house for breakfast (mm), then lunch (mm)… then came home and did pretty much nothing… again…

My pizza is almost done, so Im gonna go grab that. I have class tonight from 830-930, then I am going to Helena’s apartment to watch Team America with her and Larry. Fucking movie never gets old.

Ok, so I have been doing some research. I am sick of my life the way it is. I am sick of always being the one that is “there but not”. I am sick of people telling me to “just date” and that “things will get better” and that I am “young and shouldn’t be sitting home all the time”. I have had this problem my whole fucking life. It has been masked, hidden, blamed on other things, but it has always fucking been there making me waste what should be a happy life.

I’m talking about social anxiety disorder. I am not saying that I have this, but look at the quote below. This comes from http://www.socialphobia.org/whatis.html#whatis1, were they are giving case examples of what social anxiety disorder is:

Another young man wants to go to parties and other social events—indeed, he is very, very lonely—but he never goes anywhere because he’s very nervous about meeting new people. Too many people will be there and crowds only make things worse for him. The thought of meeting new people scares him—will he know what to say? Will they stare at him and make him feel even more insignificant? Will they reject him outright? Even if they seem nice, they’re sure to notice his frozen look and his inability to fully smile. They’ll sense his discomfort and tenseness and they won’t like him — there’s just no way to win — “I’m always going to be an outcast,” he predicts. And he spends the night alone, at home, watching television again. He feels comfortable at home. In fact, home is the only place he does feel completely comfortable. He hasn’t gone anywhere else in twelve years.

Granted, I don’t think that I am that extreme, but still, it is almost to a “T” how I feel. I am sick of looking at the floor when I go out. I am sick of not wanting to live or go out or do anything out of fear of being rejected or who the fuck knows what else. I am sick of feeling like I don’t matter or that no one in their right mind would think I am remotely good looking or that no one who is sane would want to talk to me about anything. I am sick of feeling like a loser because I am not and I shouldn’t be feeling this way.

Hopefully, I’ll be able to sleep tonight.

I got some interesting advice this morning from my grandfather who is leaving for Puerto Rico today. The conversation when something like this:

Him: So what are you doing today.
Me: Nothing.
Him: Go out and find a girlfriend. Be a whore. I used to be a whore.
Me: Yeah. I’ll get right on that.

I didn’t do much of anything yesterday. I was supposed to meet Sonya, but that never happened. I called her around 11 to tell her I was ready to go down there, but she said that she had to help her friend move and that she’d call when she was done. She never called. I knew she wasn’t going to call. Oh well… another example of how hoping for things only leads to disappointment.

Instead, I called Rafael and he helped me run my xbox network cable around my living room. We played some video games, then got some food and went back to his house. I ended up going to the the 40 year old virgin last night. It was pretty funny, but, I hate to admit this… anything that I see that has people that are in love, fictional or not, depresses me. Again, that movie was hilarious, but I still left feeling sorry for myself.

I realized something else this weekend. Friday night, I met Jose, Lucy, Allan, and Maria-Elena (Allan’s wife) at this place called Red Fez. Now, that’s a cool place, but I cannot recall the last time that I felt so uncomfortable to be in a public area… mostly b/c there were soo many really hot girls there. I always say that it’s hard for me to meet new people b/c my friends are married and don’t do things out. Well… I was out… with my friends who are both married… and it was exactly the same as when I went out with Mauricio… except well, they included me in the night, but still. There are fucking hot ass girls everywhere here but I can’t talk to anyone. I wouldn’t even know the first thing to say. I have never … ever gotten girl’s phone number… sad.

So, needless to say, I am in quite the funk today. I think what it really comes down to is this; I see most people around me that have someone to go through life with. That’s a pretty cool thing, when someone agrees or is willing to go through all the shit that fucking life is with you. I would really like that…

How do I feel right now?

• Sick of life.
• Lonley.
• Sort of loserish.

Ah Ramen… I forgot how good you are…

I haven’t written for a few days, so lemme recap…

Thursday and Friday were retardo busy at work. I took the 7am shift on Friday to help out my team and ended up getting a fucking assload of work. I pretty much worked from 7am – 430pm straight… fun.

Friday night’s softball game: I went 3 for 3. 3 Singles, 2 RBI’s and scored once. We won 14 – 4. And pathetically… I am sore. Yes, I go to a gym. Yes, I take martial arts. Yes, beer league softball still makes me sore after the first time playing in a few weeks.

Yesterday (Saturday), Jose, Lucy, Daniel, Helena, and myself went to Six Flags over Texas. It was pretty cool. A lot of fun. The superman ride is pretty good and very similar to Medusa at Six Flags in Jersey. They have a roller coaster there called the Poultergeist. This thing kicked my ass. I felt like someone beat me up after getting off of this ride. It ruined me for the rest of the day I think… I was exhausted driving home. I dropped everyone by their cars and then Helena and I went to get something to eat at La Madeline. Good food there.

I took her back to her place and then went home. I spoke to my family and then Sonya for a little bit then watched some [AS]. I fell asleep in the middle of Futurama and woke after Champloo I think. I was beat…

Today, I have just finished my laundry. I would like to run the cable back to my XBOX, but I need to go out and get some more Cat5 ends so that I can crimp the wire. Pinche Mallos…

Other than that, I am waiting for Sonya to call me back so I might go see her and I am going to Jose’s place for dinner tonight. We are going to start working on the software today… at least get our machines set up.

At some point, I would like to get MacOSX running on my PC at home. Check this out:
http://www.uneasysilence.com/os-x-proven-hacked-and-running-on-an-ordinary-pc/

More later…

Chi in the body is referred to as Normal or Upright Chi (zheng-qi) or True Chi (zhen-qi).

Normal Chi
– Chi before it is differentiated into specific forms or is associated with specific functions.
– Once formed, it can be divided into many different specific types of Chi which have specific functions.

Normal Chi has three sources:
– Original Chi (yuan-qi) or Prenatal Chi, which is transmitted by the parents to their children at conception. This Chi is partly responsible for the person’s inherited constitution and is stored in the kidneys.
– Grain Chi (gu-qi) which is delivered from the digestion of food.
– Natural Air Chi (kong-qi) which is extracted by the lungs from the air that we breathe.

Within the body, Normal Chi is responsible for five major functions:
– Chi is the source of all movement in the body and accompanies all movement.
– Chi protects the body.
– Chi is the source of harmonious transformation in the body.
– Chi governs retention of the body’s Substances and Organs.
– Chi warms the body.

In the body, Chi is in constant motion and has 4 primary directions:
– Ascending
– Descending
– Entering
– Leaving

“Without entering and leaving, there is no development, without ascending and descending, no transformation, absorption, and storing.”

There are five major type of Chi in the body:
– Organ Chi (zang-fu-zhi-qi)
– Every organ is conceived of as having its own Chi, whose activity is characterized by the organ to which it is attached.
– Meridian Chi (jing-luo-zhi-qi)
– Meridians are the channels or pathways though which Chi flows among the organs and various body parts, adjusting and harmonizing their activity.
– Nutritive Chi (ying-qi)
– This Chi is most intimately associated with the blood.
– It manifests itself with the blood and moves with the blood though the blood vessels.
– It is crucial in transforming nutrients derived from food into blood.
– Protective Chi (wei-qi)
– Responsible for resisting and combating External Pernicious Influences when they invade the body.
– Considered the most Yang manifestation of Chi in the body.
– It moves within the chest and abdominal cavities and travels between the skin and the muscles.
– Regulates the sweat glands and pores, and moistens and protects the skin and hair.
– Ancestral Chi or Chi of the Chest (zong-qi)
– Gathers in the chest where it forms a “sea of qi”.
– Collects in the chest, goes out the throat, connects the heart and vessels, and moves respiration.
– It is mainly responsible for aiding and regulating the rhythmic motion of respiration and heartbeat, thus it is intimately connected with the heart and lungs.

Disharmonies of Chi
– Deficient Chi (qi-xu)
– Chi is insufficient to perform any of the five Chi functions.
– Deficient Chi can apply to the entire body or to a specific organ in which case, the organ will not be able to harmoniously do its job.
– Deficient Chi can also apply to any of the five types of Chi listed above.
– Collapsed Chi (qi-xian)
– Implies that the Chi is so insufficient that it can no longer hold organs in place.
– Stagnant Chi (qi-zhi)
– Normal movement of Chi is impaired. Chi does not flow in a smooth and orderly fashion.
– Rebellious Chi (qi-ni)
– A form of stagnant Chi which implies that Chi flows in the wrong direction.

So last night, a friend here tells me that there will be a bunch of people from work going to this bar after work. I think, “cool… I’ll make an attempt to be social”, which means that I have to miss my class. So I go, and sit at the bar by myself for 20 minutes. After about 20, she shows up with her boyfriend and we go get a table… or something to eat… have a few drinks… they never show up. Finally she says “I think I got the wrong night…”. Oh well… I was annoyed because I missed my class, but I got to hang out with 2 friends so it’s not a total wash.

I woke up late this morning… 615, but still went to the gym anyway… I had an extrememly sharp eye pain while I was driving to the gym this morning… same eye, the right one. I felt like I wanted to pull my eye out and scratch behind it. After the pain, my eyes teared for about 5 mintues which made it difficult to keep my eyes open while driving.. not a good thing.

I slept pretty good last night. My body was very hot for most of the night. I could feel myself radiating… weird. I had a dream about her again last night. Why do we always want the things that we know we can’t have?? Oh well…

I started studying the TCM (traditional chinese medicine) book that my uncle gave me last night. I actually felt compelled to take notes. I guess I actually want to learn this stuff.

Meditation:
1) Sit with your back straight.
2) Put your hands palm up, right hand in the left palm, touch your thumbs.
3) Touch your tongue to the roof of your mouth.
4) Imagine someone has attached a string to the top of your head and is pulling you up by it. Try to align the base of your skull with the top of your spine.
5) Breathe:
– Men: Breathe in for 6 counts, hold for 3 counts, breathe out for 6 counts.
– Women: Breathe in for 6 counts, breathe out for 6 counts, hold for 3 counts.
Notes:
1) A count is roughly a second.
2) You can breathe either through your nose or your mouth, whatever is comfortable for you.
3) You should however breathe into your stomach first down to Dan Tien (3 inches below your belly button about 2 inches inside your body), fill your stomach, then chest, then shoulders. Breath completely. When you breathe out, exhale from your shoulder, then your chest, then your stomach and pull your stomach in (try and touch your belly button to your spine).

Man, some horrible tiredness just hit me.

I was sitting here about to update my last case for the day until I start taking calls again at 3 and I just felt a wave of horrible tiredness come over me.

Anyway… Tai Chi class was good last night. I got paired up with the hottest friggen girl in the school. Our exercise was to practice a simple deflection but then to do any kind of attack that we could think of after that. She had some good ones, but I was king of manhandling her… it was kind of funny. She is actually very nice… too bad she’s taken.

Oh well…