I just woke up … and it’s cold!!! I missed this weather so much. Hopefully, Texas will be kind of like this when I get home tomorrow night. I have to say… because of some special person in TX (you know who you are hehhe), I am actually looking forward to going back there. Weird, huh? Anyway… I went to Danielle’s wedding last night. I had a really good time. It was really great to see all of my friends. I love them. I was talking to Renee last night for a little bit, and whoa… I have known these people for about 5 years now. That’s crazy. There is a picture of myself and the bride.

Daniellen and Lenny look so happy together. It’s so awesome to see two people that are so happy to be with each other. I am happy that they invited me, that I came up for it and that I know all of them.

Some more pics…

Dana and Me….

Antonio, Patty, Me

Bill McGrath and his beautiful… martini…

Me, Renee, and Dana…

Bill and Renee… are they next?

Lastly… the beautiful bride and groom…

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“The feeling that someone owes us something, the pain for the harm that others caused us, etc., stops the inner progress of the soul.”

My my a lot has happened since my last post. Where to start…

Ok… most importantly… Stephanie and I FINALLY hooked up = ). The chem was always there, just right place right time.. no more details. She is awesome and we are having a blast.

Next… I am home in NYC visiting my family this week/weekend. My grandmother turned 70 yesterday (10.06.2005) and my friend Danielle is getting married on Sunday. I am trying to work in seeing friends and whatnot too… it’s always kind of tough.

I got an IM from Heber yesterday telling me that I got an award from work. I guess my hard work is noticed. That is nice… nice to know someone notices that I work my ass off every fucking day… and a little extra money never hurt anyone.

I spoke to Gabi today. I was hoping to be able to see her and Tommy and the whole crew tonight, but they are going to PA so maybe Sunday after the wedding. Tonight, I am hanging out with Sara for a bit. Tomorrow, we are having the party for my grandmother, the I am going to Queens to chill with Chris and Spyro. Sunday is Danielle’s wedding, the maybe I’ll see Gabi and Tommy. Monday, I am going to the city for the day, then meeting Sara for dinner as per my birthday card = ). Then finally… Tuesday I get to go back to TX to see my Stephie Wong…

Going back to TX isn’t such a bad thing anymore. It’s not all Stephanie… but she’s got something to do with it. I was starting to get over being such a little bitch about life before we hooked up, but she kinda gave me the push that I needed.

Lastly… I got this piece in the Daily Om today… it’s worth posting… free your mind!!

Unplugging The Noise
Taking A Media Break

In this modern age, we seldom question the pervasive presence of the media. Television, radio, newspapers, magazines, telephones, and websites are part of most people’s everyday experiences. They enable us to stay informed while sometimes taking us on amazing journeys. But the content and experiences that these outlets offer also consume space in our minds that can have a profound effect on our emotional state. If you are someone who feels like your life is oversaturated with the “buzz” that comes from the media, you may want to consider taking a break. A media fast involves not watching television, reading any newspapers or magazines, checking or sending any e-mails, or even talking on the phone.

On the simplest level, undertaking this fast will free up thinking space. When you are constantly being bombarded with signals coming from outside sources, it can be hard to disassociate yourself, particularly if what you are hearing or reading is negative or stressful. Avoiding the media, for a few weeks, or even just a few days, can help you center yourself. The fast may even introduce you to creative aspects of yourself that you didn’t know existed, as you enjoy some quiet time and reconnect with other interests. We may feel like something is lacking from our lives during the first few days of a fast. But it is this emptiness that opens up the space for a more expansive and clutter-free life.

Research has shown that both news and television programming can have an intense effect on mood, even causing sadness and anxiety. Without the “noise” of the media running through your head, you are freer to focus your attention inward. Ideas will present themselves to you more readily, and you will find yourself available to revel in the small joys of your own life. You also will be freer to live in the present moment, rather than focusing on what’s going on in the news or your favorite soap opera. A media break can also help you develop a more conscious relationship with news and fictional entertainment. When you aren’t continuously subjected to the media, you are able to look at what you are seeing or reading more objectively. Taking a break from the media may also give you a greater sense of calm, balance, well-being, and a new perspective on life.

Overall, a very fun time.

We started out by going to Hula Hut. That’s a Tex-Mex place here in Austin. We hung out there for a little bit, ate dinner, had some drinks, and then went to the bowling alley. Yes… the bowling alley… that was fun too… I am not good at bowling… but still it was fun.

After bowling, Jesse, Tearson, Mauricio, and I went downtown to Fado on 4th st. That was some heavy fast drinking. Ooofah… I hung out for about an hour and then

Stephanie came to pick me up to bring me back to my place. I was pretty toasted by then, but I love hanging out with that girl. She is pretty awesome for coming all the way downtown to get me… but then again… she is pretty awesome in general.

Honestly, I have to say… and I was talking to Mauricio about this on the way downtown… that she is the first girl that I have met here in Austin that I actually want to do things for. I care when she talks. I want to hear everything that she has to say and it is very easy be around her. I haven’t felt any pressure at all. I find myself thinking about nice things to do for her… and the best part, like I said before… is that I’m not even trying.

So basically, the deal is.. I don’t know. That’s pretty much it. I don’t know. I really like her. I see potential for something really good, but I suppose there might be an issue of timing (isn’t there always?). I suppose I just need to see what happens and keep it in the back of my mind that what I would like to happen might or might not come into reality. Sigh…

No more deep thoughts today… I am tired…

I am about to go to the store to get some food to cook for the week.

Here’s an example of my cynicalness. Although I feel that I am changing my outlook on life and stuff, I think this is one area that I really need to improve in. Take a look:

[09:29] [NYIT] BIGG CHRISSS!!!!: so people at shore are evacuating to ure town
[09:29] bgoldstein24: yup
[09:29] bgoldstein24: from houston and galveston
[09:30] [NYIT] BIGG CHRISSS!!!!: ah
[09:31] [NYIT] BIGG CHRISSS!!!!: u should take some hot chick in as showing ure a good citizen
[09:31] [NYIT] BIGG CHRISSS!!!!: lol say u can stay at my place …. ill shelter u
[09:32] bgoldstein24: = )
[09:32] bgoldstein24: i think i have better odds of being stuck by lightening
[09:34] [NYIT] BIGG CHRISSS!!!!: lol
[09:36] bgoldstein24: hot girls don’t want to be my friend anymore
[09:37] [NYIT] BIGG CHRISSS!!!!: = ( why u say that
[09:38] bgoldstein24: b/c i don’t have the capacity to make hot girl friends
[09:38] [NYIT] BIGG CHRISSS!!!!: alchohol man!
[09:38] bgoldstein24: hehe
[09:38] bgoldstein24: nah
[09:39] [NYIT] BIGG CHRISSS!!!!: grrrr

So there it is. Another friend frustrated at my retarded take on myself.

Oh Bryan… you are a fool. What are you doing? Why did you let yourself get even a little attached? Jackass…

Remember… feelings, emotions are temporary. A conjur of the mind which distracts from true nature. Don’t be fooled be feelings or emotions.

Duh…

So we were laying there last night talking and I was pretty content.

Then her phone rang.

As soon as it did, I blew out the candle and laughed because I knew what was about to happen. She was going to get off the phone and tell me that she was leaving.

She came back into the room and told me she was leaving. Big suprise. Was I mad? No. This however, is a perfect case in point, in clear example of how attachment, want, and desire can trigger events in the body to make an person feel sadness.

After she got her stuff together, she asked me if I was mad a few times (to which I replied “No”, because I was not). Then she was gone.

I went back in my room, relit my candle and sat Zazen for about 10 minutes trying to release the feelings that were coming up. I felt a little anger, not much, some sadness, but overall… just plain silly. I reminded myself of a few things. One of the most important of those things being that these feelings and emotions only affect Bryan, the person, the human, the bag of flesh… not me. I am just playing Bryan for a little while. We are all just playing parts for a while until we return to what we all really are.

In the end I laughed about it because after, nothing really matters. The tinge of pain that I felt, my lonliess, my sadness, my feelings of worthlessness… they don’t matter. They are all fleeting as well as artificial. They are only real because I make a concious decision to make them real.

My feelings and emotions are just creations of my mind. They are temporary, they go away. So now, it becomes a question of learning to let go of them or letting them sit and cause unecessary stress. I have accetped the fact that I have no control what happens for this particular situation.

Yes, that’s right. I want to be free… “from what?”, you ask? I want to be free from my desires, from my wants, from my emotions, and from my mind. Simply put, I do not want to want anything anymore – which is a want in an of itself, so you can see that although it’s a simple statement to “not want”, the want to “not want” is complicated.

I have spent a lot of time with someone this past weekend and it was pretty awesome. Despite how much I enjoy this person’s company, something became very apparent last night as we were talking. Out of respect, I will not divulge this person’s personal life. However, this person is somewhat integral in my realization that I need to be free of wanting. We can just say that whether or not anything else will progress along a certain path with this person is entirely out of my control and I have accepted that. I do not expect anything. Not everyone gets what they want all the time.

Sometimes timing is horribly wrong for two people that are very right. Thats how it goes, I suppose…deal with it.. or don’t and continue to suffer.

That is not to say that I do not know what I would like to happen. What I would like to happen and what will eventually happen may or may not be one in the same and I have prepared myself for the highly likely occurance that what I would like does not become a reality.

Back to the point at hand. I am not sure of how I am going to go about this, but I would really love to lose my mind. I would love to forget everything that I know about life and about myself. I would love to not have any attachement to anyone or anything. Let’s not get confused. This is not to say that I cannot love. I love my family. I love my cat. I just do not want attachment. Attachement is what leads to unhappiness. This is because when your attachment is ripped from you, and it inevitably will be, all you can feel is a longing for what you were once attached to – a void in your being.

So here’s what I am going to try. I am going to let my feelings go… release them like the shadows of reality that they are.Release? What on earth do you mean? When I am happy, I will let it go. When I am sad, I will let it go. When I realize that I want something, I will let it go. When I realize that I desire something, I will let it go. When I realize that I lust after something, I will let it go. I think we get the picture…

I am not sure where that will take me, but I am starting to see that all of my sadness up until this point has been related to me wanting certain things and not getting them. I am really taking life too serioulsy and I need to stop it.

Finally, I am home… but not for long. I have about 15 minutes until I have to leave to go to T’ai Chi tonight. Well… meditation class is first and fucking god damnit do I need it.

Yesterday, after work, we went to Sherlock’s as per our normal Wednesday after work ritual. I think there was something in the beer. I got home around 745 or so, called my family and basically passed out. I had 2 beers. I woke up around 1030, brushed my teeth and went back to sleep until 8am. Funny… the people that were there last night also passed out… hmm…

I am starting to look for a new job. I am having a hard time continuing to want to work with pretentious, annoying people. Why are people so unreasonable? I can’t say who I work for, but it’s a pretty big IT company. I do application development support so all day long we get people that have design and code problems. I give them a solution; they want something else… what the fuck? Why do people have to be so god damn difficult?

Anyway… I need to work on my resume. It needs some updating/massaging since I applied to where I am now. We will see what I can come up with.

In other news, I have class tonight until 830, then I am going with Stephanie to her friend’s birthday dinner at some Mexican place. For all of you reading… yes… Stephanie, who is NOT my girlfriend. = )

And now… a picture of me playing video games.

Man, I have some writing to do. It’s been a while.

Morgan came to visit me this weekend. She got in on Friday night and left yesterday (Tuesday). It was really very good to see her. We didn’t really do that much in terms of things around Austin. We went out to eat a lot and watched a bunch of movies, but it was just good to see her so it didn’t really matter what we did. We actually, two times, tried to go do something outdoors, but the weather did not want to cooperate.

I am back to work today. If I could infuse text with emotion, I would infuse that last sentense with some. I so don’t want to be here today. I really don’t feel like dealing with these people. My head is very cloudy today. I didn’t sleep well at all last night. Perhaps it was the anxiety of coming back to work, but, my mind was racing last night.

I think its got something to do with this also… I am developing feelings for someone that I know I shouldn’t be developing feelings for. I sometimes wish that I could turn off my emotions… the part of me that feels things for other people… it seems to only lead to pain in recent times. I am usually very much in control of my emotions… in control of not letting them cloud my thoughts and my reality, but sometimes… sometimes… things develop that blindside me and don’t surface until they exist… and now, I have to try to let it go because I am pretty sure that nothing will come of it.

It kind of depresses me to know that I don’t have the confidence to make a move… but that doesn’t really apply exclusively to this one person… it’s pretty much across the board. I guess what really bothers me is that I always say that I “don’t feel the vibe”… blah… I don’t know.

Happy Fucking Labor Day…

I spoke with my father on the phone for about an hour yesterday. My parents are worried about me and rightfully so. If I were to step outside myself and look at how I am reacting to the world around me, I would be worried too.

Let’s recap. So what did we talk about on the phone?

• There is no reason for me to feel like this.
  
• I need to enjoy life. I am only 24 and have everything going for me. I apparently, have the world by the balls.
  
• There are people in much worse situations that myself.
  
• He knows girls in at least three of his stores that would love to date me (Now, although I know he is not lying, I found this to be absolutely hilarious. There is no way I can believe this without seeing it.).
  
• I shouldn’t find living life to be “uninteresting” anymore.
  
• I shouldn’t be apathetic about things.
  
• He was much more of a miserable bastard at 24 than I am at 24.
  
• I should join a club or something and try to meet some new people.
  
• I should make it my mantra to say “from this day forward, things will be different and I will be happy”.
  

All of this I understand completely and agree with in its totality. The logical side of me understands and knows this. My logical side is not the problem. I wish I could kill that one side of me that cannot seem to comprehend this information.

I simply don’t understand why I am the way I am. I came from a loving family that always taught me to be proud of myself and who I am… so what happened? I thought that it was because of the stuff that happened with Sara that was just getting me down, but the last time I was home that pretty much got resolved and laid to rest, so it’s not that. This has been going on for most of my adult life. My father seems to think that if I moved back to NYC, that this would subside, but highly doubt it. That is an internal problem independent of my physical location. I don’t know how to resolve this.

But, I digress. It was really good to talk to him and get his advice on the situation. At one point, he sounded like he was getting mad at me on the phone and I can understand why. If I were talking to me, I would be pissed off too. I simply do not see or comprehend my worth even though I have ten thousand people telling me that I’m great or whatever.

I am sitting in Borders right now drinking a delicious Chai Freeze. It would be so bad if it wasn’t 40 degrees in this joint. I am fucking freezing. I needed to get the fuck out of my apartment. I have been sitting around doing pretty much nothing all weekend.

Oh and the weekends… I am starting to not look forward to the weekends… how’s that for fucked up? The weekends are starting to feel like a mental prison. I think I spent a few hours yesterday staring at the ceiling… watching the fan… watching the wall… occasionally petting Mallos when he decided that he wanted to come on by.

The last few weekends I have literally been bored to fucking tears. And the ONLY reason that I am sitting here typing now as opposed to in my apartment is because I was going fucking stir crazy in my apartment. Also, I was hoping that they would have some Christopher Lawrence, but alas. They DO have a Paul Oakenfold double CD, but they want $21 for it. Fuck that, I’ll download it. I am gonna grab this book though: “Way of the Peaceful Warrior”. Seems interesting…

Everyone’s working today… another price to pay for having ethnic friends. My only other friend that I feel is worth calling is going to his girlfriend’s (fiancé when, Jesse???) family’s house. I would call Tina, but I am afraid to ask for her number. She’s a cool chick and all… just never really seems like she wants to be bothered. I have asked her if she wants to hang out on a few occasions, but she always seems to have something else to do… oh well… hello senor rejections, nice to see you again… story o’ my recent life.

Stephanie came over last night. She seems to be one of the few people here in Austin that actually gives a flyin’ fuck about whether or not I am about to slit my wrists (I mean that figuratively, NOT LITERALLY). I mean, I am sure that Jose and Rafael care, but they never really ask me how I am doing other than the standard “Hi, how are ya”. But she seems to know just from me talking. It’s uncanny how she can tell my mood on the phone and even through a god damn email. How the FUCK can you tell someone’s mood through email. I can’t hide shit from this girl. I digress… again… it’s the trance. So she came over around 10 to play Banjo-Kazooi. Yes… I can play N64 games on my Xbox… yes… I am a geek. So, we killed a 12 pack (almost) and talked about some stuff and I made her some food, then she left at 2am to go chill with some other people.

So… just sitting here and looking around, I see a few attractive looking ladies… all sitting right next to their respective attractive men. That’s how it seems to be here. All of the fucking attractive girls seem to fall under one of the following categories:

1. Taken.
   
2. Party girl.
   
3. Uninterested in me.
   
4. Don’t seem to see me whil
   e standing amongst the 20398470983247092 much better looking people than me.
   
5. Don’t know that I exist (which is acceptable b/c I put up a nice brick wall whenever I am not in my apartment, well, and sometimes in my apartment too).
   

I don’t think I would attract a lady if she fell on me.

Alrighty… I think I have bitched enough for one god damn day… although, I will probably bitch some more later. I think I am going to home and lift some weights. I was looking at some older pictures of me back from when I was working out a lot with Gary and god fucking damnit… what happened…

Plus… my Chai Freeze is done…