I have no motivation. There, I said it.

I have had no motivation anywhere lately… work, kung fu, house, <anything else you can think of>. In fact, Christmas is almost here, and well, whatever. I am happy to go and see my family and friends, but Christmas, I think I can do without this year. I feel nothing.

My general feeling these days is “eh”. Everything… is “eh”. The range of emotion doesn’t really seem to be there. Oh, something really good happened? “Eh, that’s cool”. Oh, did something bad happen? “Eh, that sucks”. Eh…

By the way, how in the hell is tomorrow only Tuesday. For the love of god, can’t I just be zonked out until Friday? If any of you reading this are hypnotists, please contact me. Here’s my request. It’s very similar to “Office Space”. Now, from the hours of 8am – 5pm everyday, I don’t want to know that I am working. By all means, engage the part of the brain needed for the job to do it’s thing, but, can we like, at the same time, fool me into thinking that I am doing something that I enjoy all day? Maybe like… kung fu, or um… god, I don’t know.. sleeping? Can we make it so that everyday, despite the fact that I have been working, I feel like I just woke up at 5pm? Please? Anyone??

Ah, screw it… I’m going to sleep.

I read this today on the best of Craig’s list… I could not have said it better:

I see this question posted with some regularity in the personals section, so I thought I’d take a minute to explain things to the ladies out there that haven’t figured it out.

What happened to all the nice guys?

The answer is simple: you did.

See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He’d tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn’t feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were fucking treated you.

At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were "just friends." Besides, he totally wasn’t your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn’t know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.

Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you werent dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren’t the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship. So, now, you’re single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, "What happened to all the nice guys?"

Well, once again, you did.

You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive "just-a-" friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. He probably came to realize, one day, that women aren’t really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you’re upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he’d have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an asshole than he ever wanted to be.

Fact is, now, he’s probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I’m sorry that it took the complete absence of "nice guys" in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that.

So, if you’re looking for a nice guy, here’s what you do:

1.) Build a time machine.
2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your ass.
3.) Take a look at what’s right in front of you and grab ahold of it.

I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don’t really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you.

If you were five years younger.

So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact hat you’ve fucked yourself over. You’re getting older, after all. It’s time to excise the bullshit and deal with reality. You didn’t want a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn’t fucking want you, now.

Sincerely,
A Recovering Nice Guy

Thank to Troy for helping me get the garage door opener 90% done. It is MUCH appreciated. At the cost of pizza and beer, who can beat that?? You’re a good guy.

Also thanks to Nik for allowing me to try and play in his rock band. I will be better next time, I promise.

G’nite all..

Alright, well, I wouldn’t call it a whole morning, more like 15 minutes. I came here to work on my list some more. I was able to add a few things to it, but it’s getting hard as I get past 70 things. I am amazed that I was able to come up with 70! This is a really good exercise. It is really making me think about me and the stuff that I want to do, which well, I haven’t really seriously thought about in a long, long time.

I actually have to leave in a few. I am going to Kung Fu today. I don’t usually go on Saturdays, but yesterday’s class was brutal, and if I sit still in the house all day, I will just get more sore. Maybe some Golden Leopard will do me good.

Later, I am going down to Rand’s house with Ryon to watch the Ultimate Fighter season finale. That should be fun.

I have been feeling very blah for the past few days. I need to not get into a situation where I allow myself to sulk in my house by myself. It’s very weird for me to have be active in searching for things to do. Most of the time, I end up just kind of doing nothing. I can’t let the hole drag me down this time!

Ryon showed me this site yesterday:

This idea is an alternative for a “New Year’s Resolution”. Resolutions are lame. We all know it. How many years have you made a new year’s resolution, stuck to it for 3 weeks, then returned to your normal <whatever your resolved to change>? How many years have you made the SAME resolution that you did the previous year, then flake out?

This idea, I think, is great. Instead of just one year, you get 1001 days which is (1001/365 = ) 2.742468 years. In this time, you set 101 goals to accomplish. They can be major ones, but they don’t have to be. They can be something as simple as “hang a picture” or “take a class on <x>”.

I have decided that I want to do this.

Last night, I went to the new “It’s a Grind” that just opened by my house and started getting my list in place. I’ve got about 69 things on there so far. Just 32 more to go. I split mine up into 4 categories. These may change, but here goes:

 So, that’s it or for now. I will find more later.

It was brought to my attention that my recollection of events is not entirely correct. In the posting titled “About to go to sleep…“, I state that Tommy asked if I wanted to go get food. I would like to set the record straight and say that both Tommy AND Elizabeth offered to go get food. There. Happy? = )

The following rant is aimed at no one in particular. This seems to be something that is becoming out of control in out culture/society and I wanted to write about it. Put your seatbelt on, I read this already and it’s rough.

I hate materialism. If you are a materialistic person, I hate you too. Please don’t ever talk to me. Additionally, please take this time to purge your genes from the human genome. It will be better for everyone in the big picture. If you are unsure about why you should be purging yourself, please read on, then, please, purge yourself. If you STILL don’t get it, consider THAT the reason, and purge yourself anyway.

<Rant>

There aren’t too many things or people in this world that I can say that I “hate”. Materialism and materialistic people are, however in this category.

Look at the world around you. It seems to be getting worse every day. Watch the news, watch E!, go to a mall, what do you see? People obsessed with “things”…”stuff”… perhaps pretty on the outside, but shallow as the grand fucking canyon.

Oh!, look at what he/she one got me! I have to tell everyone and everyone should know b/c I’m so self absorbed yet so incredibly dead inside that I need validation from everyone around me just to feel a shred of real happiness in my horribly shallow, shitty life. . Who, by the way, all feed into the illusion that “you’re hot”, or sexually marketable in some strange, “wouldn’t fuck that with a football field sized pole, and noise canceling headphones, my spinal cord severed, OH!, and a blindfold” sorta way. I hate you. Die. Please, for Christmas, for me, die. All of you.

What can this do for me? What can that do for me? What is he/she going to buy me? Where is he/she going to take me? Where in the hell has any sort of feeling for self responsibility, self respect, or self love gone? Well, they seem to be gone. It’s all about “me” these days.

From what I can tell, a large part of the population seems to only give a flying fuck about themselves. Themselves and no one else. Me… me… me memem emememememememememememememe!!!!!!OIfhseavfhu uadfhajkjfklhgLU!@^#%^@%#^%@#%&@#&%(@*#)(*@)&#*^*&@^#&*@$#%!$ #@ *%*&#

Sorry, I got a little mad. No, wait.. I am not sorry.

I feel like everyday, our society and the people therein go down the spiral just a bit more. My generation of people … a generation of fucking self absorbed, medicated (in some way.. pot, alcohol, meds cuz I have the fictional “disease” known as ADD, you name it), don’t give a fuck ’bout nothing but “me” fucking fuck ups. This is our future… my, my how brightly it shines.

What happened to people that have substance? What happened to people that could talk about things other than what they want from here and what they want from there? What about what you want out of life??? Are clothes, cars, tvs, diamonds, and shoes all you want?? Is there nothing more???

What happened to people that worked for things? What happened to people that have self control? Sure, there are people out there, but they, we, are in the minority these days, it seems.

I don’t even know where to go from here.

We have shows on TV that show the pettiness and shallowness of people. We have TV shows that highlight people being irresponsible, intoxicated, rude, obnoxious, horrible, wretched people with absolutely zero redeeming qualities. AND THIS IS IDOLIZED AND EMULATED!!!! Can someone please kill ME now? I have seen enough. We are done.

</Rant>

So, now, I am waiting to go back to Austin. I am sitting at the last gate in Newark’s illustrious “Terminal C”. That’s the one where you go all the way down to the end, the go down to the escalator, then wait sort in the basement like.

Anyway…

My trip was nice. It was really good to come home and see everyone. I was able to see some of my friends, but not all, and well, there is just never enough time. I will be home again on 12/21, for 9 days (for those of you mathematically challenged, that would be until 12/30). Hopefully, I will get to see some more people then.

I would like to point out, that not a single friend that I have up here has come to Austin to see me. Just want it to be noted. Meh…

There is so much that I want to write about, but well, I guess I just don’t feel like it… later.

Life is a series of moments right? For the most part, we don’t remember dates or times, but moments.

If that is the case, then this is a sad moment for me. In this moment, it feels like some of the major things in my life have fallen or are falling apart. I will not elaborate any more than that. Those close to me know what I am talking about.

There are some things in my life that I really miss that are going away or gone. I know what you are thinking, but it’s more than that. One of the things that I miss in particular is the feeling of enjoying what I spend most of my life on from the hours of roughly 8am-5pm, 5x/week. Oh well…

Hopefully this sad moment will pass soon.

“Nothing is less important than a score at half-time.”