{"id":199,"date":"2006-01-17T17:16:00","date_gmt":"2006-01-17T22:16:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.familyofgoldsteins.com\/?p=199"},"modified":"2006-01-17T17:16:00","modified_gmt":"2006-01-17T22:16:00","slug":"stuff-about-chuck-norris","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blog.familyofgoldsteins.com\/?p=199","title":{"rendered":"Stuff about Chuck Norris…"},"content":{"rendered":"

Ok… a friend sent this to me today and I came very close to peeing on myself… it’s long, but it’s hilarious… <\/span>
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When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

After you ask, “Two seconds till what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Since 1940, the year Chuck<\/span> Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

It was once believed that Chu<\/span>ck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

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Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuad<\/span> ed the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

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When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chu<\/span>ck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how <\/span> he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.” <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Those aren’t credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day. <\/span><\/span> <\/p>\n

If yo<\/span>u unscramble the letters in “Chuck Norris” you get “Huck corn, sir.” That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Rath<\/span>er than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roun<\/span>dhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald<\/span> shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

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Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was fin<\/span> alized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

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A man once asked Chuck<\/span> Norris if his real name is “Charles”. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Chuck Norris can make a woman c<\/span>limax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya”. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!” <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

After much debate, President Truman<\/span> decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more “humane”. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Chuck Norris took my virg<\/span>inity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you’re thinking to yourself, “That’s impossible, I already lost my virginity.” then you are dead wrong. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Chuck Norris uses a live rattle snake for a condom. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Aliens do exist. They’re just waiting for Chuck N<\/span>orris to die before they attack. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his <\/span> girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t f–k with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Chuck Norris appeare<\/span>d in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.” <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Chu<\/span>ck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

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Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crow <\/span>d had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

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Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse horses are hung like Chuck Norris <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

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Chuck Norris was t<\/span>he fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of beard. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three di <\/span>e<\/span>d of roundhouse kick related deaths. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

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To prove it isnt that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat <\/span> that, Lance Armstrong. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually Chuck Norrismore than meets the eye, Chuck Norrisrobot in disguise, and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could <\/span> turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldnt, he replied, Of course I can, Im Chuck Norris, and roundhouse<\/span> kicked him in the face. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

On the 7th day, God rested. Chuck Norris took over. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesnt work, he plays zombie. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuc<\/span>k Norris. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the worlds hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck <\/span> Norris. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of c<\/span>hess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Chuck Norris roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Chuck Norris doesnt believe in Germany. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

If you want a list o<\/span>f Chuck Norris enemies, just check the extinct species list. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Chuck Norris doesnt need to swallow when eating food. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Ironically, Chuck Norris hidden talent is invisibility. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

C<\/span>huck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly get out of jail free card. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Chuck Norris inv<\/span>ented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, dont be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Chuck Norris invented water. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

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Chuck Norris went looking for a b<\/span>ar but couldnt find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of th <\/span>e<\/span> flames, always leave things the way you found em! <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

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One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

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Contrary to popular belief, Chuc<\/span>k Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling o <\/span>f<\/span> being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

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<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Ok… a friend sent this to me today and I came very close to peeing on myself… it’s long, but it’s hilarious… When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-199","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.familyofgoldsteins.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/199","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.familyofgoldsteins.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.familyofgoldsteins.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.familyofgoldsteins.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.familyofgoldsteins.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=199"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/blog.familyofgoldsteins.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/199\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.familyofgoldsteins.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=199"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.familyofgoldsteins.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=199"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.familyofgoldsteins.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=199"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}